So near, yet so far

Today I visited a neighbor of mine after a very long time. The last time I entered their house would be about an year back to borrow some books. And the house is just 3 houses far from mine. I realized that I’ve never even bothered to give it a glance the numerous times a day I pass that way. It wouldn’t have been such a shock to me if it had been so always. But no, there was a time when things were different; a time of which only memories remain. The long gone days which just disappeared from the charts just like that; without leaving traces; with no regrets.

15 years back

I was new to this locality. Bro would always complain as to how bad a place this was coz he had no friends and the neighbors were all kids. Neethu lived 3 houses apart. We got acquainted and due to our mutual need for company, we became friends. I don’t remember how it was initially. All I remember is that it was play time for me everyday from 4pm to when it got dark. I would go to Neethu’s place. And we would play all sorts of kids stuff. She was adamant about calling me by name even though her mother always reminded her that I was 2 years older. She was my first friend here and the only one at that. The other kids were too small and not our ‘league’.

We did play with them kids at times as the big bossy chechis. The big bossy chechis left to themselves used to play ‘set’ with broken bangles, horror night relived where we always made neethu’s lil bro appu the bhooth, hide n seek, police-kallan around their compound, and many more bizarre kid games :D. We used to have blanket tents for the bhooth game and used to scream our heart out despite knowing it was the little boy playing bhooth. Maybe it was an intrinsic feeling that real bhooths might get inspired seeing our antics and pay us a visit!

There was a swing in front of their house and we used to take turns swinging. There was also a cement bench in their garden where we used to rest after tiring games involving lot of running and jumping. If it was raining, we had to be content playing hide n seek inside the house and my favorite hiding spot was the curtain behind the sofa. I would flatten myself on the window so that my shadow wasn’t visible. Around 5, aunty would call us for the evening tea and snack. We would start phase II after the break.

Every year during the summer vacations, we played much longer and aunty thought it was time we stopped wasting all the time. So began the Malayalam classes. We started off with letters and moved on to the usual ‘pana’, ‘thara’, ‘aana’ etc. If I know how to read and write Malayalam now, it is all thanks to her. She used to give us dictations and quizzes and we were enthusiastic about scoring in her classes. Also, every year on my birthday, I used to get two handmade cards for sure. One from neethu n one from appu. They never forgot my birthday. Neither did I forget theirs. I would also make something creative for them either something I learnt in the art classes or from the hindu young world.

We all went to the same school too. But I was a senior there, and we had our different groups there. Those worlds never clashed. As we grew older, we had our world of books too. We shared story books, novels and told each other stories we had read. The funny part of the companionship was, unlike the latter ones, we never did any bitching. And even if I were to meet her today, I wouldn’t. It was an untainted relationship maintaining all its innocence until it faded off. Once I was in 9th, there wasn’t much time to spend playing and also I perhaps had the feeling that I was beyond the playing age. I would still go there and spend time. But it wasn’t the same as before. We were more into our new friends and there wasn’t much I could retain of the old.

Now, I don’t even remember when their birthdays are. I don’t remember which class appu is in. They seem to belong to my past and I never bothered to carry them along to my present. True, there is no ill-feeling in between us. We just went on with our lives. But today when I was looking around the house, it seems so unfamiliar; yet so familiar. The bench was still there, but it housed the flower pots now. The ‘unjaal’ had been taken off. The garden had many new plants. I saw myself all over the place and all these memories flooded me. I don’t want to lose them again. It had been chained to the past for long. I know I can’t thank them enough for gifting me all the good times and the smiles. All I know is, they are special and they remain so.

Reliving the Nightmares

I have this sudden urge to watch horror movies now and again. As a result of this recurrent phase, I rented 13-B yesterday. It wasn’t too engaging, but provided a good watch all thanks to Madhavan.

I have been his admirer right from the ‘sea-hawks’ days. Sigh! Those were the days! In fact, at one point of time, I had even made elaborate plans to meet up with him and get ‘acquainted’ err like dating him and all. Those weren’t the days when you keenly followed celebrity gossip on magazines or tv. There was only the good old DD to provide news and I never bothered with the news part. So, I helplessly fell in n out of love with every single good-looking guy appearing on national television not knowing whom they were linked to or married or even how many kids they had!

Ok, coming back to the point, 13-B, even though it wasn’t too successful in scaring the wits out of me did bring back many sweet old memories.

The story goes back to when I started sleeping alone in a room and every single thing used to frighten me. I felt I was a brave little girl to have undertaken the dignified task of sleeping alone but it was actually coz my brother refused to share a room with me any more. He said I ‘talked’ to him while he was busy reading comics and that ‘disturbed’ him! Fine with me! I was no coward. I could manage on my own. Hmmf!

So, I would take all necessary precautions like repeating my prayers about 10 times to ward off Satan’s army, keeping the available pillows in all possible arrangements so that demons had no access to me and closing my eyes tight so that Satan would feel guilty about disturbing an innocent sleeping child and many more.

Some days I would accompany bro to watch horror serials or movies on television and those were the worst. I would have to hop from room to room switching on the lights so that none of the places I was to walk remained de-illuminated. A dark room meant sure prey to devils! And on those days, I was particular not to have any limb or head protruding out of the bed. There would be demons below the bed to devour you and they seek blood only when they see the protruding limbs. Also, you had to make sure the fan speed was regulated appropriately so as to not allow the curtains to fly too high. The demons waiting on the other side of the window would come in when they saw the room was inhabited you see. It all made a lot of sense then!

To make things worse, bro who witnessed all my precautionary measures would borrow ‘The Dracula’ from the library. I still remember the cover page of that book. It had a scary Dracula portrait. Same with the Frankenstein novel! He would come in the dead of the night, long after I was comfortably settled in my protected territory, and wave the book in front of me after poking me awake. I would be as good as dead and paralyzed even to scream. He got his momentary pleasure from the malicious deed and left me to reconstruct my fort for protection against such human evil as well.

After a few years, I decided enough was enough. There was no point being scared over such err silly things. So I trained myself well by watching horror movies at night regularly and going back to my room in the dark. The first few days were really testy. But I somehow stood the test and emerged victorious. Yipee! Finally I didn’t have to resort to pillow forts or light bulbs. I was a tigress 8). I had fought my fear! That felt really great. There was no longer the hiding under blankets even in the summers and sweating it out. No more of listening to hushed footsteps in the silence. They were things of the past.

But I have to confess. Yesterday after watching 13 B which wasn’t a scary movie, I made my pillow fort. I checked under the bed for limb attacking demons. I looked out for hands making shapes when the curtain flew. And I closed my eyes tight shut to ward off evil. Trust me, I was just reliving old days. Wasn’t scared at all! Honest! :D

The Parting Shot!

The season of parting has begun. It kicked off with Anji leaving for ghaziabad 3 months back. She had always been around and had to go off so suddenly that it was a blow and it was indeed hard to accept that she's actually going away!

Then, bro went off and I was left feeling numb for a few days because I started missing him the moment he left. That was in contrast with the former coz I always knew he'd be going away n I've never had him near for seven years. Still, it was hard realization that he has dreams to chase and those are miles away!

Now, it is ukg's turn to hit the nail. She'll be leaving in few days and its time for another heavy heart day. Every time I recover from a parting fever another pops up to replace the same. Its not as if I don't understand that they have to go away; only that it takes an emotional toll in itself when someone a touch away is so far so soon.

It is excruciating in that the person who had been around for so long that you stopped noticing, was suddenly fading off the canvas, bidding goodbye all of a sudden. It is always hard to say goodbye. You know it doesn't change anything with someone going away. You'll still be good friends..maybe even closer and you'll still keep in touch. But, it changes the bigger picture altogether. You don't hang around as you used to, you don't take the phone and dial the number you know by heart, you don't plan all that fun trips together, you don't just barge into the house where you know you are always welcome..you still may be welcome but there is the void that seems to surround you.

It is still the same but ever so different. Its like the sheath surrounding you is withering off gradually and you are left out in the open. The comforts of your cozy being thrown astrew and yourself trying haplessly to reassemble the blown away bits. However a vase once broken never mends itself faultlessly does it?

Wish life was much easier. It is depressing to accept the truth but you are left without a choice. All that the past offers is memories and nostalgia. Learning to live with them is a hard task but sooner or later you need to master the art. If all good things are to come to an end, why are they called ‘good’ in the first place? Moving into oblivion or leaving the past behind offers no solution. Embracing it on for the journey in sight is a deal worth taking and maybe that's all left to dampen the emotional tide that floods the mind with every parting.

The slaughter house!

The lambs for slaughter are arranged in a neat row, waiting outside the slaughter room and are eagerly awaiting their turn to be slain thinking it might be the next best thing to happen to them! They occasionally bleat in excitement and are repeatedly told to shut up so as maintain the ambience for slaughter!

Inside the interview board’s room;

Wolf 1(interviewer 1): Where’s the next set. Slurp! Bring them in fast. I can’t wait to devour them. Slurp!
W 2: Ah! Kerala University! This is going to be fun!

Lambs are brought in and not even given the chance of regular courtesies as they are made to sit in 3 adjoining chairs facing the board in a room which is the executive suite of a 4-star hotel!

W1: 0o0o0o0 B.tech Biotech students! Intelligent lot you guys ought to be! (Sarcasm at its peak)
Lamb 1: Err.. Gee
W2: (Menacingly).So let’s start with the basics of immunology.

(Lamb2 instantly remembered UKG* as she was the only one in the batch who wanted to opt for that elective and had to give up the fight for immunology due to lack of public support)

W2: I’ll ask the question and give you the answers too. *evil grin*
L2: Then wtf are we here for! Yes sir. *smiles*
W2: You just have to tell me if it is true! What kinds of interactions signify the XYZ bonding? Is it A, B, C or D. Tell me!
L2: Definitely C. not sure of the rest.
W1: 0o0o0. Hear hear! Is it not A?
L2: err..maybe..
W1: ooh 10 points to u(sarcastically of coz)!

W2: *eyes gleaming* we have hit the jackpot! They don’t know the subject so let’s ask only that!

W1: so tell me more about the immune system. Blah blah blah?
L1, L2, L3 give knowing glances of incomprehension.

L3 wasn’t actually visible to me because of a relatively hot guy in the interview board sitting next to her. So obviously you know where the visual priority lies! And I thought he was a young smart guy among the group of wolves until…

After deriving heart full of sadistic pleasure at having asked the A to Z of immunology,

W3: So, what exactly are you comfortable with?
L1, L2, L3 unanimously: My project!

W3 exchanging knowing glances with the rest: Now we know what NOT to ask!
W2: oh! So you are saying we should ask questions from that only eh! Not done kiddos!

W1: what’s your project?
L3: says something.
W1: yawn!

L1: sequencing of the mouse histones.
W2: Oh! Now let’s talk about PCR. Blah blahs

L1: attempts at answering them but is met by more sarcasm and evil grins

W2: (at L2)What do you know about it?
L2: Just basic theoretical knowledge sir. I haven’t done that project sir. Mine is…
W2: So tell me what are the PCR procedures
L2: :|annai get a hearing aid! Tries her best to recollect some theory about PCR.

W2: to L1,L3: do you agree with what she said.
L1,L3: yes sir.
Some more blah blah about pcr. Again clueless looks and happy board!

W1 to L2: Now what was your project?
L2: peptide antibiotics sir. We synthesized…

W1 cutting in: Oh so how do you suppose it would be useful?*smirking*

L2: confidently starts explaining
W1: (looks at W2) look at her nerve. She’s explaining to us!!!

W2: seems we are done. (To supposed hot guy) you may ask something if you want
W4: ohk. So you people were talking about PCR
L2: you think we were?Nice! Yes sir *smiles*
W4: so you know Kerry Mullis invented it (showing off!). Now, what if it wasn’t invented? How would you go about amplifying DNA without PCR?
L1, L2, L3: Is this the final nail in the coffin or is there more coming? Get a life dude! We have the PCR now! Why bother about the what ifs!

L3: We do the steps individually!
L2: we accomplish heating using water baths!?!
L1: ahem!

W4: good. I couldn't have heard worse answers! Now, let me prepare the killer question for the next set! *evil grin*

W2: How long were your project kids?
L1: one month sir.
Collective sighs!

W1: what can you do in one month? Collect samples? Ha ha ha!
L2: that’s all we have in our course sir!
W2: No no. You can’t do that. Tell them to change the course and accommodate the other subjects in the 7th sem!

L2: Yea right! We know how much we struggle with 6 subjects! And you want 6 more added to it! And yes am so sure that the KU people had been waiting all these years for that one word of dislike from your part. They’ll surely pass an order the very next day to change the whole course structure! *Sad smile* yes sir we should!

W1: that will be all. You people should read more!
L2: Of course we will read ‘how to save face while being slaughtered’ the next time we appear before you. But well, you think we will? I don’t!

L1, L2, L3 find their way out in a neat file and are fed a 4-star meal to keep them healthy in case they decide on coming a second time!

*UKG: UK Gal akku will henceforth be referred to as ukg!

Dream 2 reality!

Dreams are fascinating phenomena. At times I feel it connects itself to reality by some invisible thread of instances. They just seem to link at the most unexpected or odd moments. I usually forget what I dream about. Few days, I delay waking up in the morning so that I could complete the dream but end up forgetting it all the same. Then at some odd time in future.. may be years later it pops up..just like that! This has happened more than once so I am forced to believe there is a connection.

Four years back, I had joined a one month course at CDAC just because I was totally bored at home and had a month long time to spare. I made friends there and we used to have coffee from the coffee machine which was in an alleyway. First time I went for coffee, I simply knew I’d been there before. The same place, the same atmosphere, only difference being it had been a strange place when I saw it 1st in my dream!

Then there was this church I used to see repeatedly in my dreams and never remembered until I saw the very same church with its big cemetery on the Pettah road. I instantly knew I had seen it numerous times in my dreams and I told mummy that may be I was buried somewhere deep down in there in my previous birth. :D

Another unexpected happening was when I was working for that 1 week. One day, I had some problem with the computer and the system administrator asked me something about it. The moment I answered the question I knew it was a repeat from one of my dreams:|. Unbelievably strange isn’t it!

All these make me wonder if there really is a connection or are these just random fabrications of my mind. If it is the latter, I definitely stretch my imagination too far!

But there are other dreams which I remember in parts. There was this highly adventurous one involving RGV’s ‘Kaun’ style settings where few of us were entrapped in a ‘purani haveli’ and murderers/ kidnappers were lurking all around. The escape was ‘home alone’ style :D. Then there was another one last week in which I saw lion cubs in our ‘tharavaadu’s thozhuthu’ at native place replacing the cows and a panda- tiger hybrid animal attacking me:|. I hope that kind never find links in real life!!

the detour

Back after a week long vacation (if you could call it that) at Bangalore. The first time I visited the city was about 6 years back. Then, I had viewed the city with the eager eyes of a little girl and I sat amazed at the huge buildings, busy people and the bustle all around. Also, I had liked seeing trees on either side of the road wherever I went. That one fact still filled me with joy because I thought at least they aren’t rooting up existing trees on the roadside like in Trivandrum. But this time I got a more realistic view maybe because I could be critical in my outlook now. The city is a polluted mess and I found the air too heavy to breathe. It has more people than it can accommodate and is suffering under the strain. The roads are like an unending maze, you turn a corner and you are lost! For a person who gets lost frequently even in Trivandrum, I found the roads of Bangalore to be too intricate.

The city also seems like it has had a massive alien invasion. The aliens in this case being fellow Indians from all parts of the country especially the southern end variety! I wonder how the natives put up with so many others sharing space with them. If I were to see too many non-malayalis here, I would definitely feel odd simply because I am used to hearing Malayalam around or my ears are tuned to hearing nothing else.

Enough of my critical thinking. I believe too much of thinking puts extra burden on the brain and is to be avoided on all costs so that the brain is relaxed and content to give a better perception! Yea right! So ill keep it strictly to facts! The first two days, I gave a nightmare time to my uncle and aunt with a fever running high and long wait for me wherever I went. Then aunt and I were on a shopping spree. I would say I was just the passive observer because we were hopping from shop to shop all over town and I was subject to valuable advice on household crockery, oil bottles, bed and pillow covers and the like :|. It was truly a learning experience and by the end of it she was so exhausted probably with my lack of knowledge on such intriguing subjects that she asked me to bring mom along the next time I visit. Even I thought that was a great idea! But she did know some great shops (by which I mean economic) and I could get some shopping done :D.

Next day, I was to meet Jo and have a stay-over at her place after 12 long years! Aunt took me some place where we met Jo and they shook hands and aunt handed me over to her :D. She took charge of me and we went to her place where we talked on and on sitting in the balcony overlooking the huge and beautiful campus of CPRI. That reminded me of the lovely past of ours when we were bubbly kids endlessly mischievous but at our best behavior when we wanted. We caught up with all the gossip about schoolmates, current lives and much more and it was fun as before. Moreover, I got to taste aunty’s sambhar after a long time! She was talking about how we, as kids used to make elaborate plans of ending up in the same college and being hostel-mates when one among our trio left. Sigh! Lost days! (I am gona write another post on that!)

I assured Jo I’ll find my way back to my uncle’s place the next day but she was apprehensive about it. So she accompanied me all the way back even with a presentation on the same day. I am glad she did coz I am sure I would’ve lost my way otherwise :D. She left me few yards beyond uncle’s place and I went into another apartment with the same name even though it did not resemble the one I left the day before. May be they had repainted it or given it a new look while I was away..you never know! :D. Finally, I somehow reached the correct apartment and started packing. The bus was in the evening and I wasn’t looking forward to another bus ride as the way to Bangalore was too tiring and hectic. Either due to fear of another such journey or the polluted air of Bangalore, I had an attack of breathlessness (second symptom of swine flu in 4 days time :D). It was followed by a violent bout of cough and cold and the lady sitting next to me in the bus was yelling at me for not using a mask. She promptly took out hers and didn’t even turn to my side for a long time after which she asked me to get medicines. Given a chance, she would’ve happily thrown me out! However, I was feeling much better somewhere after the Kerala border (the illness was completely psychological I tell you). I felt really delighted to be back home and I realized the sad fact that however much I convince myself that I never get homesick, I do, especially when am sick! Cough syrup, vintage wine and a dose of antibiotics later, I am back in full senses and ready to begin the search for ‘direction’. I confess, I am lost even in life! :D

The brief stint with 'IT'

IT had always been a fascinating proposition thanks to the high life status it conferred, until the vicious phenomenon of recession hit it head-on. When I was adamant on biotech after my schooling, there was a collective sigh of relief only when I opted for engineering in the same because that meant I could at least have the ‘moving on to s/w field’ as an option if I ended up with nothing else. That was the period when hot shot MNC’s used to recruit the whole lot of final year engineering students irrespective of which trade they were in. So, getting into a decent engineering college was a safe future with a solid job and hefty pay assured. As luck could have it, the tables turned when our batch reached the placement phase. The era of ‘even the chaiwala might get through easily’ was over. The first company to grace the campus was infy and I tried my luck too. At the interview, I proclaimed my undying love for biotech much to the chagrin of the interviewer and it ended up on a sour note. The outcome was obvious but I still had the disappointment of belonging to the mere handful that did not clear the infy interview! As it happened to be my 1^st ever interview, I was disheartened.

However, didn’t have to go through similar experiences much because not many companies came to college after that. Elaborate plans for the future were made many of which were followed up and many ended ‘in the pipeline’. None reached completion! So the time frame of the plans shifted a year ahead and the gap was to be filled by something constructive. Idleness created lethargy and I was off on a road-trip in the country-side. That made me rejuvenated and alive. Not wanting to continue with the idleness I accompanied Raks for a recruitment being held at a nearby college. Surprise surprise!! I cleared that and was offered a position as s/w engineering trainee!!! All I felt was ‘cool, I cleared an interview in life’. A great morale booster I tell you. They wanted us new recruits to join in 2 days! I couldn’t run away from decision this once. Had to take an immediate one and the few whose advice I consider, told me to join as it was nearby even though the pay wasn’t commendable. So off I went, confused as ever not too thrilled about being employed. Rather intimidated I would say. 1^st day saw me in a cabin with a pack of wolves (read guys). I was the only gal in my side of the cabin along with other fresh freshers and not so fresh ones. I thought ‘oh well..too cool..have something to make my fellow vainokis jealous of’. I was proved wrong. I got fed up of guys too soon. They were all very co-operative and helpful. And they were even considerate that I might feel odd being with them so they made me as comfortable as possible including me in their conversations, helping me with the task of studying Greek and Latin and every other possible way. But still I started missing female company. No, it wasn’t my sudden swing of inclination but just the lack of mushy gossipy conversation which in my opinion cannot always be shared with the opposite sex.

Thankfully, before the full impact of the situation hit me, there was a change of cabins and I was in the company of giggly gals. A wave of respite that was! All this while, I was making a massive effort to master Greek which seemed to come on par with Croatian. And it hurt my ego to ask someone to help all the time and I refused to accept that I didn’t even know stuff others considered ‘puttu’. The gal sitting next to me cleared all my doubts with a smile which made me think that I must be asking really dumb doubts. It took me long to realize that I couldn’t have had a more accommodating gal near me. I still thought maybe a little more of mingling with everyone would make a difference and when I get comfortable in my new niche of friends, it would pilot a better performance. But, I somehow couldn’t talk when I was with everyone. All of them had joined earlier and knew each other by then. I felt like an outsider intruding into their conversations and masti. There was another girl who tried to include me in the gang and I used to go out for tea with them even if I didn’t even want tea. I just thought I’d utilize the opportunity to get that sense of belonging. Tough luck! Dragged through few more days feeling totally miserable about my poor social skills and more about my horrendous attempt at being a programmer. I totally hated what I was doing and I counted hours, minutes, and seconds all the time. I even spent half the time thinking of reasons why I shouldn’t be there! I kept getting better in the task and could think of numerous good ones :D.

And then it was the fateful weekend. Friday had me on the edge. I was getting more at ease with my colleagues but I still couldn’t cope with all the Croatian I was subjected to all day long. The gal next to me was turning out to be an angel helping me out with even little errors which I was impatient to work out myself. I knew I was taking undue advantage of her. That just had to stop! The very thought of the long weekend ahead was tempting. One of my colleagues was going off to a better company and she gave us all an ice-cream treat. All fun done with and goodbyes later, I was eager to embrace the days of freedom from the codes! The decision was made in my heart. I had to leave the place rather than give in to something I contemptuously forced myself to do every day for 8 hours straight! The following Monday had me bidding my goodbyes and contritely informing the admin that I had to leave as I had secured admission for higher studies. They asked me about the details and wished me luck with a smile. I was expecting an acerbic session but was surprisingly spared. The admin was so very understanding and even the other interns asked me whether it was because I couldn’t adjust. They were all so eagerly offering to help. I felt bad that I hadn’t got to know them better in the few days there. They would definitely have made good friends. But I am glad I decided to leave early else I would’ve completely lost the face of me I liked.

All together, I am glad I went to this particular office with its fabulous work environment which did not pressurize you on anything but at the same time inculcated a good work culture and am grateful to its absolutely obliging group of seniors and interns who were ever so nice. I haven’t worked anywhere else to make a comparison but I am sure this is the ideal place to start off for anyone looking for a career in the s/w field. Hope they don’t make the mistake of recruiting any more of shaky feet like me. This was indeed a chapter of my life worth remembering as an adventure I enrolled in once upon a time :).

Summoning the inner demons

Life is strange. Sometimes you come to a point where you feel that all the years you have lived is not a life you yearned for and you never realised that. and then, you feel lost, a total stranger to self, an entirely morphed creature you no longer connect with. You try convincing yourself that its just your inner demon taking shape for a while, enjoying its moment of bloom. You are a mere spectator looking at it helplessly and thinking it couldnt have been worse.

I have no clue whether 'life' is like this. But, it sure seems so for me now. I feel like a lie. I look back and I don't know who it is that had took my place during various stages. I feel like a bloody counterfeit! It wants me to shrink into myself. The misery is agonizing, the pain too draining. I experience a shallow feeling of nothingness..of non-existence. And I think of my purpose in life. What have I been doing all along..where am I heading and why did I have to start this journey in the first place?

I can't face people. They seem like monsters lingering over my shadow, devouring my essential spirit. I prefer being ignored. I prefer the dark..it brings no shadows. I hate it when people try to talk to me coz I can no longer hold a conversation. It scares me to be unable to speak beyond a few words. My smile has been replaced by an urge to break out crying which means that it surfaces with every breath. I cease to have that endless laugh which used to haunt me incessantly. I don't know if it is dreams shattered coz am not even sure I had any. Everything is a haze the obscurity of which has me numb.

The demon seems so overbearing. I even lack the courage to fight it. It seems to flow through my entire system piecing out the remains of hope and replacing it with intense chaos. The inner turmoil is far too high to forfeit. It inserts its famished claws into the wretched defeated pasture of trauma and engulfs the soul within in a wallow of doubt. The sickening tumult of hysteria encroaching a hollow lacklustre cul de sac. And what could be the outcome? Living with the demon trying to supress its creeping upsurges? Trying to uproot it and multipying the misery with the eventual ambush? Or getting consumed in the raging blaze of unrest? None seem too tempting to pursue.

Lying in wait of an unknown anguish without giving up on the threads of unforseen hope to a morrow which seeks not my soul..Amen.

Mangayam-nature at its best :)

This is an account of the Mangayam trip we had undertaken as part of tidycity. Mangayam is supposed to be a plastic free zone but contrary to the claims there was a fair share of plastic burning done by the authorities conveniently adding on that they had no other alternative. We planned a trip to this haven which can truly be described as a virgin forest mostly unaffected by human intervention and we plan to ensure it remains so by meeting up with the forest authorities and demanding necessary action on the plastic burning issue.
Here is my take on the place which I am copy pasting from the report I posted on the tidycity forum and thought it would be good enough for my blog too :D.
The trip was simply "AWESOME"!!! I had never known before this trip that there were such beautiful places in tvm. Never again will i tell anyone who asks me about tvm that there's no place here worth visiting!
I start with me waiting at pkda for close to an hour, waiting n waiting n again waiting for the bus to come:| .learned my lesson of punctuality never pays:D. Then we were off on the joy ride to mangayam with songs( lead singrs anil n doc), horror stories(err not quite)from the director, ashith's timed vomiting sensation,vidz un-timed one both of which, thankfully dint materialize , lotsa andha peoples showing off :D, yummy chakapazham from anil(oh yes srijith finished it all...how very bad :D), lotsa other goodies which ashith n rasi competed to finish( ashith wins!), bindu chechis loud secrets. Also, cris grannie's urging on the tidycity anthem which turned out to be a concoction of numerous film songs combined and finally settled on the 'jai ho' lines.There was also a heated debate on what is the exact english translation of 'lehari' (nasha in hindi). Rasi came out with intoxication which seemed acceptable but still not fully so. Suggestions anybody?
Once the short trek to the top began all of us were in high spirits(no pun intended :D) and we settled downstream of a lovely waterfalls. There was the splashing water competition and rasi was the clear winner resisting all splashes valiantly :D. We crossed across to another location where we saw remnants of burnt plastic and the like along with many bottles of the 'lehiri' kind :D. We tried listening to the sound of nature n as bindu rightly said we heard a turbulent face of nature in the form of the gushing waterfalls which was intensified by the rains. There was also the unfortunalte mundu incident which i confess was purely unintentional :|.. :D. We also took many pics of the banners there proclaiming how plastic use was banned but to no effect
Then we rushed into the hotel err eating place for our 4 course meal :).We were totally drenched by then but they dint throw us out :D. The people there were so nice n sweet. They gave us perakka for starters followed by 'kappa meen' followed by rice and 'kanji vellam' drink (which i mistook for something else..considering the ambience n al :D). Then we had cocoa fruit for dessert. Retrieving that from the tree was in itself an event. first there was srijith hanging on to the fruit as perfectly as certain tree climbing animals would and then anil introducing new tactics and demonstrating them with a fall and finally the doc intervened and we were all cocoa chewing.
Back to the center of activity, we were all set to dive into the waters but ended up in our initial place where we found a more furious waterfalls. 'nammal oru 1 hour maari ninnapo endokkeya sambhaviche :|'. anyways we sat at a safe distance watching nature's fury finding new picturesque sites, and clicking away until we had company. Many people came asking us if we could scoot and leave them at peace (alright that is what they meant although they dint put it like that). We the brave people decided to stay on and delay their 'spirited' activities. finally we gave up and vidz gave a parting shot of 'namakku pedi onum illa':D. We then moved on to a smaller falls and there was the learn n teach swimming sessions by the pro's srijith and rasi.
The guides threw us out..err no am exagerrating..they politely told us we must leave the place as it could get dangerous in the monsoons :D. Thus, we were all set to leave and halted at our eating place for kattan kaapi, chai n sugiyan. There was the group photo session too and the eventful monsoon tourism(as the director put it), came to an end. We were on our way back when we had ablaring alaral malsalam aka antakshari. hope our team won in the end :|.
And there ends my elaborate account on the trip which was nothing short of THE BEST!
There ends the account and I feel tidycity is a commendable venture with regard to the cause and it definitely acts as a reminder to anyone to be considerate about the environment that sustains us. The task is simple and requires just a bit of conscious effort from people and its only for themselves!
To join up and be a part of this initiative log on to www.tidycity.org

college memoirs

I am really gona miss this place, I am gona miss my college days…something we chant nonchalantly these days thanks to gaurav dodontwatevr. I don’t know if I’ll miss the place or the people coz I’d never been too attached to the place and maybe 4 years is too short a time to bond to something. But I had thought the same in the last year of school where I studied 12 years straight. I miss school terribly!!! All the same I decided to take a peep down the memory lane..4 years down..

The first year was a blend of good and bad times. We took a long time to fit in. just out of school, extra cautious about everything, apprehensive about ragging which our college was notoriously known for, and of course looking forward to the new phenomenon called strikes. The seniors did not disappoint us. We had a strike on our very first day at college. We were specifically told to run out of the place at any signs of this queer occurrence. Gradually we fell into the routine, planning on where to hang out in case of a strike and tvm being quite a happening place it was not a tough job. We mostly ended up home :|.

The ragging sessions weren’t much of a threat. In fact, got to know much of the seniors because of that and also got all the necessary practice required for proposing. Hope it comes in handy:). In the evenings hanging out at rakhi’s house became a routine so much so that it became my parents unwritten duty to come pick me up at night if they wanted to have me home. And the few days I’d be home rakhi would be at my place so I was spared from the loneliness that I encountered later on in greater magnitudes. The one thing I would regret about 1^st year is missing out the tour due to some family function which I could have very well missed:(. But towards the end of 1^st year after we befriended the guys it was a fun ride. We used to jeer at their comments until then and suddenly we all were one big gang. Happy times those were! Me, rakz and ash formed our anti line association then and went in black outfit, armband etc on feb 13^th to signify our stand on the same. But 3 is the biggest number of members we ever had and it went on to become 2 with the end of 1^st year thanks to ash:|. Akku used to be a supporter too although not as blatantly as any of us. She was this silent ‘vettupoth’ then having a rational stand on everything and rushing off on Friday evenings not to miss her kollam train. She was preparing for medical entrance too that year and once when hemant took her note to complete something he found ‘bisexual’ written in place of bilateral with which we created a huge uproar stating her to have voyeuristic thoughts hidden in her calm demeanor. She was so embarrassed that I am sure she would’ve taken extra care about her notes and about letting anyone borrow it from then on.

We never got along well with the math teachers. There was this swaying lady who was herself unsure about what she was muttering. Naturally we were least interested in the class and once the guys behind were passing some clever retorts. I was probably dozing off coz I dint hear them but the next thing I knew was myself and rakz being asked to behave and to explain some theorem the lady was wrestling with until then. Obviously we just stood there staring for about 15 min after which she left fuming. She left college within a month much to our pleasure and her own! Then came the ‘adorable’ sati who, despite being a teacher doesn’t deserve the respect associated with the title. In her very first class rakz was caught for talking and disturbing other ‘studious’ peoples in class:). She was towering over and demanding an explanation for the behavior. All of us sat shivering, wary of such an outburst but even after all the shouting directed at her, rakz was totally unperturbed. Hats off to her! But of course it was nothing new to her. Also remember sati’s comment to our staff advisor about our class’s ‘immoral’ behavior, on the holi day when she happened to see some guy throw color powder on a gal, “ ee kanakinu poya ee piller pass out aakumbo okathu oru kochu koode kanum”:|. I am pretty sure she was dozing off during her biology classes at school:|. Akku’s lecture to subi on the morals of returning borrowed goods when he lost a pencil of hers is something everyone mentions about her. But then, I assure you that she is no longer that innocent gal anymore:D . Oh n of course how can I ever forget the infamous roy mamman. He used to be this opportunistic nasty creature who thought I was perfect to be his ‘line’:|. I had to patiently listen to all his ‘kathi’ for the fear of disrespecting a senior if I let my attention wander. After a few days I started finding new hiding places for myself under desks (where I could easily fit in), gals toilet, on the stairs merged with the crowd and where not! My whole class was quite helpful in hiding me but the chap finally realized my tactics n sent his friends who used to make me write disgusting things on the blackboard n all. And then there was a guy for whom I wrote his entire record n he promised to buy me a family pack of chocolates. I expected at least one chocolate but never even saw him again:|. That brings in the definition of ‘thepp’:). Hemanth and sachin had given us a crash course in thirondoram mal n we were good at it by the end of the year. Now we could distinguish between the various forms of kalip, kola, thepp etc etc! Achievements! :). Then there was the time we spent at home with rakz mob and lots of free sms. The ‘pokiritharams’ we’ve done with that is beyond the scope of this write-up. There have been bad times too. But I do not wish to include them in this as it was nowhere as memorable. Time flew by blissfully during the study leave when our transformation as true engineering students was complete. Books had been wiped clean off our dictionaries (by us I mean just rakz n me coz there are lot of people who underwent the transformation much later). But since the subjects were the same combined study was still an accepted term by the families. Probably they mistook our loud renditions and laughter as part of intellectual discussions. Ahem. Our 1^st year results were proof enough for our ‘hard’ work:|. Oh, I even failed for the 1^st time in a paper which no-one in college had ever thought worth failing in. I still remember that day when I was sitting in front of the computer screen trying to make sense of why the external had failed a gal for smithy. There were people in college who failed in all the subjects but workshop. Why me god why! I was a nervous wreck then. But on retrospection I feel it served me right. For one, I gave back my model as it was handed over to me. All my futile attempts with the hammer were well evident. During the smithy classes I had always roped in gary n Christi to help me with it and never bothered to give it a try. Then the supple also made me look back at how callous I’d been whole year. The religious me was back. Thank god for that:). Oh, I also had my first ever serious crush around the end of first year. But as Usha maam would suggest (under altogether different contexts), ‘nip it in the bud itself’; I had to unwillingly do so ;). But he has been a gem of a friend and I am really grateful to him for that:).

The college fests season was good too. Nirvan was the first, and there was this organizing chechi who was bossing around asking us to go and attend the inauguration because of which we promptly did a walkout. Obedient kids aren’t we:)! Then there was the ABVP fest swaratharang, for which me n rakz participated in the treasure hunt along with manu chetan n sonoop chetan. It was organized by asianet and we were given a taxi to go treasure hunting. We had to shop at ‘dreamz’ for an exact amount of something. We weren’t paying and we weren’t given anything save an alpenliebe which happened to be the next clue. The driver was too slow and we got caught up in the traffic too but finally reached the computer centre for the next clue of ambrosia. We were given some 15-20 buns and had to gobble it up without even water! Rakz and I were having a hard time. The guys put some inside their t-shirts and we donated some to the ‘emaciated’ people who come to party at amb swearing them to secrecy. And also we pushed some in the space between their cash counter. But after all the efforts we reached second and the treasure was already found! I am pretty sure the other team cheated!!! Now our cheating doesn’t matter coz we dint win! :D. Akku was crowned Ms.Swaratharang while we were on our adventures. Then came aufait, disha, and not to forget tatwa for which I had to go begging for sponsorships! Altogether first year was a fun ride and I guess it was the happiest time in college life. That would be one class I would miss anytime!

Now to s3, s4. Not much of memories about it. We were stuck in an unfriendly classroom, unfamiliar people, and awkward moments. Akku and me chose the last bench and tried to get along with everyone thinking it was just the initial hiccups and we’d be part of the lot before long. High hopes:|. But looking back I guess that was the time when we didn’t know the true colors of anyone and believed in anything and everything people told us. Our BT class had the record of maximum number of ‘lines’ in our batch. Rakz used to accompany us in our mourning ceremonies with the ‘no takers’ board:D. And then we noticed that there is a single, handsome chap in BT who hadn’t been taken. I was all interested but so were Akku and Rakz. A competition ensued. We used to vainokify ikka so much so that the usual absentee that he was, started attending classes n hanging around during lunch hours to satisfy our craving for glimpses of him<:D>. One such day Akku said that we had waited long enough and it as time we introed him. Ok! So that’s what we did. The following conversation took place. Two excited gals inquiring about ikka. Ikka comes to us.

Me: nangale okke ariyuvo..ini orey classil 3 years koode padikandeya(I thought I was being charming ;;))

Akku: yea, itrem naal ayitu onnu samsarichitu polum illa.peru ariyuvo?

Ikka( in typical kadaapuram style+ thirondoram slang) : wo wo..agila alle..gee..yeniku ariyam..wo!

Ok I might sound like am exaggerating but it was really along those lines and the two excited gals were tongue tied and instantly learned the lesson that all that glitters is not gold. But we managed to talk for a few minutes for politeness sake and called it scoots!

Then having remembered our third musketeer, we thought we should be big hearted enough to let her have him without competition. We messaged her immediately that true friends ought to be understanding, kind and most importantly compromising. So we had come to the conclusion that if someone deserved ikka it was her and we didn’t want to interfere with blooming of such a lovely love story. She somehow read between the lines and replied that she too was ready to sacrifice him if we weren’t interested:|. Thus ended our long ikka story.

S4 saw us preparing to go on-stage. We presented a skit for Aufait 07 which is a stage for anyone who wants to showcase their ‘thollikatti’ coz however good or bad you perform, the net effect is kooing and that is the only one stage where I have heard even sesky females on stage being kooed at. Well no, I didn’t hint on myself coz my role in the skit was far beyond the concept of sesky and extremely truthful to the portrayal of my real self; my innocence :D. We dealt with the paper correction issue at the Kerala university where it is rumored that marks are given to the bulkiest paper and the peon gets an opportunity to correct papers coz the teachers are too busy to do the same. So we had sachin, a teacher who is a sports champ weighing the papers although that integral scene had to be eliminated on stage due to the fact that the weighing machine was left off stage:|. That’s at least acceptable, but the funniest part was we forgot to take the answer sheets to the dais n the whole thing was about paper correction:|. I had a fun time being a kid running around with a water bottle and peepee, disturbing everyone on stage and more importantly I had this golden opportunity to call raks ‘podi patti’ on stage :D. Needless to say that one dialog fetched a round of applause maybe coz of my incessant practicing ever since the day I met her..hardwork never fails :D. Jerryl made a star kallukudiyan n arshu kaka aced as pattar saami. Rasi closed the show with her broken mal dialogs which was hilarious. We had begged her to allow dubbing but lady had to prove her mallu prowess:|. Raks, even though she looked rightfully glam for her role didn’t speak to the mike and her flirtations on stage went unheardL.Anji did a good job as my momy in taking care of me :D. Preethi, anagha made great gossip monger teachers and hashi, a senior fit perfectly for his role of panjara sir. And having subi on stage as peon for the whole skit helped hush the sct kooval teams..anji tactics :D. Overall, it was one great experience for all of us and thanks to anji for such a marvelous script and for making us work, thanks to sachn’s father for improvising it and making us stage worthy and even with half the props forgotten off-stage and half the dialogs unheard, it was worth all the kooval. Cheers team! :D. Also had a most embarassing bathroom incident in s4 where me n akku mistook a boys toilet for a gals one(it was a new one) inspite of warning from all the senior guys on the way. We thought they were just mocking us and realization stuck us not far off. We were the mighty warriors who got a roaring kooval from an entire block of seniors till the moment we were back in the confines of our classroom. That gave us the name bb too :|.

S5 started off with our much awaited IV (theoretically expanded as industrial visit with no practical connections whatsoever). I didn’t expect it to be any good as we hadn’t made many good friends in the class. But as it turned out, it presented some of the most memorable moments. Akku, Anji, Rasi, Sajid n me got along really well as the ‘Immorals’:). The time in our rooms with all the hush-hush talk, the shopping spree where we never bought anything, roaming around the streets of Bangalore trying to find corner-house, demo in front of all the branded stores at Forum, exquisite beaches of Goa and much more would serve as a highly inadequate description of the 10 days!( an elaborate account is with abel if reference is required :P). Our bonding with Jayanthi maam was way too good and she was mighty impressed with us as a group. She suggested that we go for paper presentations; attend symposiums conducted elsewhere so that we know what exactly we lack in our course. As a result, we went to Coimbatore after a month and it was a nightmare experience. The moment we stepped onto the railway station hell broke open and it started raining furiously as had never happened in a few years there. The college bus which promised to collect us at the station failed to do so due unfavorable weather conditions and the resultant road block. We were stranded in an unknown place with no clue as to what to do. But thankfully, rasi had few friends there who braved the rains and got us safely into a taxi. Even our stay there was a pain for them. We (read rasi) created a flood there by leaving open a tap in the night when there was no water only to find the floors flooded in the morn. The caretaker bathed us in tamil ‘theris’ which only the wrong-doer could understand so she got the well deserved returns :P. The trissur experience was comparatively better because we didn’t have to deal with such unforeseen calamities and everything was taken care of by the college. However, both of them taught us one basic fact as Jayanthi maam had wanted and it was ‘we are wasting 4 long years of our life studying absolute crap’:|. Well it isn’t crap if you consider the renamed course but all of us joined under the misconception that we’ll be studying biotechnology which figures occasionally as electives in the course:|.

Sigh! No point crying over spilt milk. Anyways there wasn’t anything more to s5 and s6 too doesn’t bring any memories to me. It was just the usual corner classroom isolated from the rest of the college. There was a diwali blast for which the whole college was suspended. The principal was subject to paper rocket attacks, Ayyapan had to run off with bursting malapadakams all of which I missed as I was on a usual bunk class practice then.

S7 brought us back with civilization. We were on the ground floor and we were finally SENIORS! We commanded respect in all our moves. It kicked off with the onam celebrations which was nowhere near as good as the previous year’s (ok I shouldn’t be saying this but just for the record :D). We had a collective enemy in the form of our new staff advisor, the infamous Big B. He was this sturdy chori fellow and all of us hated him for the improvisations he was trying to bring to our class. He was equally hated by the faculty who usually think we are at fault for everything. All of us opposed his bossy ways and he finally quit to try his luck with the state water authority (truly pity them). Oh, n he was a mega kozhi in the true sense of the word! Even teachers used to warn us about his nasty good for nothing ways! Loser! Anyways he unwillingly accomplished one good thing; finally we were in agreement with the faculty on somethingJ! Don’t remember going to college much then. But that was when we started hanging out with the auto gang near our chai kada. Subi and Arshu were our buddies even before. Now it also included Abhi, Luta, Chathan. Sachin n hemant were out as they now belonged to the EC elite and didn’t bother with us anymore; neither did we!

S8 started off with a month long project at RGCB, and that includes the days we bunked to sit at the museum discussing on serious issues for anji’s MBA interviews, going to see luck by chance with just coins in our purses. We were left with only about 2rs after the tickets and just enough petrol to reach home! Then there is the Ragam detour which was awesome. I had initially not wanted to go but due to pressure from the boss and fear of strangling to death at the sharp tongue of raks, I conceded to take time off my busy schedule8). The journey was full of chathan’s thallu, abhi’s matchmaking, subi’s aakal. Jaimy also was part of the group. We refused to go to our berths and had a round of firing from the TTR’s as well. We had a long wait at the NIT campus after which we were given a common room with mats, buckets, mugs all counted. Their shower was good so I made it a point to take a bath twice a day (oh yes I did!!):D. Raks, jaimy, me and Nikhil went for collage and made a ‘kolam’ out of it but we were happy with our achievement! We went to the Benny dayal concert that evening. The guy was simply making a lot of noise and I really wanted to get out of the place. Then we decided to alambify. Nikhil was sitting next to me and he suddenly decided to enjoy and started head-banging with his totally oiled long hair. There was an oil spray and we had to beg him to stop! We sat on the campus roads well into the night and it felt great just to be there! I qualified the spelling-bee prelims by some random luck and found myself really out of place in the finals where everyone was sitting all serious. Subi had taught me how to behave all professional but I felt clumsy just sitting there. All the same I cleared the first two rounds on an advantage and couldn’t hold on any longer. The judge was asking Italian, Japanese extract words all of which I found too ridiculous and was out by the pre-final round. Then we went to cheer subi, chathan, rameez, abhi n petty for their potpourri. It was totally an ‘A’ tagged event but we cheered all the same, oblivious to the nasty comments we got from the other participants. Chathan had a displaced elbow as part of his unrivaled performance during the dance round. They came second in spite of being the best team by public opinion. I missed the sankar mahadevan concert that evening because I didn’t want to subject myself to another screaming session however great a singer he is. I just lack the appreciation for music and definitely can’t stand loud ones. Anyways we got only 4^th unlike the previous year where sct had bagged an overall 2^nd with the hosts coming 1^{st :|} as always. The next day was our kozhikode trip. We went to focus mall after chathan’s treat of kozhikode biryani which none of the gals could gobble. I was having my nomb and the others were all in different states of stomach upsets:D. That didn’t stop us from going to the beach where we remained till about 7-7.30. It was my dream come true. I had always wanted to go to the beach at night and half the time I was simply gazing into the sea. It was such an enchanting feeling! Me and raks cramped in a single berth during the return journey so that we could talk all along. It was like the end of a chapter and a very good one at that!

Back in college it was the same routine of two hurried series both of which we passed all thanks to anji’s last minute coaching classes! I sat at home most of the days but whenever I went to college it was just to bunk and sit at chai kada or elsewhere and I seriously don’t regret that! Even with all the bunking we had record attendance statistics:D. Our class decided to bunk the ethics exam for the 2^nd series and we all got out after scribbling some rubbish like name, question numbers etc for 5 minutes until we got our attendance after which it was the celebration of BT’s first ever bunked series. The mex were yawning while we were elatedly blowing our trumpet. It was something habitual for them:|. We joined tidycity, a voluntary organization promoting a litter free city and we also realized a long time dream of educating kids. We called up an orphanage and fixed it with them to teach English to the kids every weekend. It was a unique experience! We even roped in juniors so that our initiative remains undeterred even after we leave tvm. As is the usual practice for every outgoing batch of seniors, we had high hopes for our demo day but we fell short of time. Not wanting to give up, we presented a unique demo, one that has never been done before,on our arts day! We went on-stage as pichakaaris n contrary to popular belief, we really had to work hard to look the part :D.

Once the university exams started, it was a chain of combined studies always at rasi’s place, always wasting almost half the day and then marathon studies without any sleep. Akku would be sleeping minimum of 7 hrs while rasi n I would be madly mugging up stuff to no effect. And after all the mess Akku would be chilled out before the exams while me n rasi would be at our wits end. Sigh! It was also an eating fiesta as Akku would come equipped with goodies for her continuous supply! But I did study more than I would have ever done sitting alone at home and strulling to keep awake. Before the last exam which was emci, me and rasi were somewhat convinced that the paper was easy and we could tackle it by 3 and get some sleep. Towards the end of the day i.e, by 12 we realized that the subject was nothing like we imagined and then, we had a struggle with lots to study and with sleep creeping up. We were on a sleep 10 min, wake each other up, run around and what not mode. Needless to say, Akku slept peacefully even that day which was too much for us to bear:|. We went to college on rasi’s scooty pep in triples, had 2 cups of coffee and somehow managed to get the awful exam over with. It was a great weight lifted with the exams finally over. The burden was definitely not of studies because that happened at random during the combined study sessions, which was more of nostalgia n fun! We went to Akku’s place and celebrated monu’s birthday. The kiddo was really happy as he had wanted someone to be there and it didn’t bother him the least that the some ones were his chechi’s friends. We gave him birthday bumps and all and he even gave me a kiss:D. The next day we were off to kovalam to celebrate the end of engineering. A day well spent getting drenched and throwing sand balls at each other. And thus the four years of fun ended on a wonderful note definitely lovelier than it had kicked off and definitely with heart full of beautiful moments to cherish forever! Thanks to all my friends who made those wonder years worth remembering.