Summoning the inner demons

Life is strange. Sometimes you come to a point where you feel that all the years you have lived is not a life you yearned for and you never realised that. and then, you feel lost, a total stranger to self, an entirely morphed creature you no longer connect with. You try convincing yourself that its just your inner demon taking shape for a while, enjoying its moment of bloom. You are a mere spectator looking at it helplessly and thinking it couldnt have been worse.

I have no clue whether 'life' is like this. But, it sure seems so for me now. I feel like a lie. I look back and I don't know who it is that had took my place during various stages. I feel like a bloody counterfeit! It wants me to shrink into myself. The misery is agonizing, the pain too draining. I experience a shallow feeling of nothingness..of non-existence. And I think of my purpose in life. What have I been doing all along..where am I heading and why did I have to start this journey in the first place?

I can't face people. They seem like monsters lingering over my shadow, devouring my essential spirit. I prefer being ignored. I prefer the dark..it brings no shadows. I hate it when people try to talk to me coz I can no longer hold a conversation. It scares me to be unable to speak beyond a few words. My smile has been replaced by an urge to break out crying which means that it surfaces with every breath. I cease to have that endless laugh which used to haunt me incessantly. I don't know if it is dreams shattered coz am not even sure I had any. Everything is a haze the obscurity of which has me numb.

The demon seems so overbearing. I even lack the courage to fight it. It seems to flow through my entire system piecing out the remains of hope and replacing it with intense chaos. The inner turmoil is far too high to forfeit. It inserts its famished claws into the wretched defeated pasture of trauma and engulfs the soul within in a wallow of doubt. The sickening tumult of hysteria encroaching a hollow lacklustre cul de sac. And what could be the outcome? Living with the demon trying to supress its creeping upsurges? Trying to uproot it and multipying the misery with the eventual ambush? Or getting consumed in the raging blaze of unrest? None seem too tempting to pursue.

Lying in wait of an unknown anguish without giving up on the threads of unforseen hope to a morrow which seeks not my soul..Amen.